Because I don’t want this to be an experience that boosts my self-whatever because I’ve done a ‘charity’ job…just something to ease a sort of ‘guilt-for-society’ conscience, if I ever had one.
No. I want this to be a life-altering, world upside-down journey in which I learn what love looks like in action, what compassion consists of, what justice tastes like. I think..oh man..I think I’m asking for the nitty gritty of the world, the flesh and bones of poverty and injustice without the arm’s length ‘click and donate’ aspect of hand-me-down charity. I am hesitant though, because I probably only have the slightest knowledge of what I’m asking for.
I can see myself, weeks from now, looking into the eyes of a woman or child who has known first-hand what it is to be used and reused, discarded and vulnerable…and I’ll be asking myself, ‘what the hell were you thinking? You wanted to see this?’ And I will have to say to the fearfulness inside me, ‘Yes. Now see and love her like Jesus would.’ Oh I pray I will have the strength, compassion, and courage to do so. It’s what You ask, God…
Well, alright then. Through Your grace, I will…
But without Your love as my motivation, I know it is all for nothing. So please ground me in that very Love.
(4 days later)….cuz as I have said numerous times here to my fellow journeyers, ‘I am friekin’ scared.’ Seriously. We will be facing some tough situations out on outreach; situations that will likely shake us to our core.
(A few more days down the road) …Oh what a week. Feels as if it’s been a month. I mean, I think I’ve cried a month’s worth of tears. Numerous times, I have considered making my return flight home for next week. It’s been difficult to adjust, and I am pretty sure Satan does NOT want me here, considering how much he has hurled terror and despair into my mind. Yet, I have been reminded to take joy in my sufferings.
Quite honestly, I am not too convinced of that just yet. But I am convinced I can take things day-by-day, at least. I’ll take things as they come, as my sister has suggested.
But quite honestly, I’ve mostly feel hesitant to jump into everything. Something is holding me back. Maybe I’m not quite convinced of these things I am being told here. Or maybe it is just my unbelief. Sometimes I don’t understand. I believe the power of the Lord in physical healings and demonic deliverance, but I’ve been struggling to believe His power in my own life. Why? I am not sure. I just know that something probably needs to break. Or maybe not change at all. Just settle. I need to let myself breathe. Just let pieces fall where they may and keeping looking forward.
(Again, a few days later)…yes, that is it. I just need to allow myself room to breathe and be in His presence day by day. I don’t need to be anxious about next week or next month or outreach. I just want to live with what I have now, not in an irresponsible way of tossing every care to the wind and saying ‘que sera, sera’ but in a way that takes the time to appreciate where I am this very day. To realize where God has me today. To understand what He is teaching me and guiding me towards. To appreciate the people that love me. To embrace each experience as it comes. To make the most of where I am geographically!
I mean, Hawai’i is quite amazing, really. Just yesterday, I hitchhiked with some friends to La’aloa Beach Park, otherwise known as Magic Sands beach. White sand and hardcore waves. Those suckers can really pummel you if you aren’t paying attention! I saw quite a few people, old ladies and tough body-surfers alike, get wrecked. And then I had my turn getting caught in a wave, complete with a wardrobe malfunction and salt-water inhalation. Great stuff. Got some serious sun there though, probably too much considering my back and face turned the color of my pink shorts afterwards…
We continued to hitchhike along Ali’i Drive and found some guys willing to take us to the End of the World. So we piled into the back of their oversized pickup and headed to the infamous cliffs. What a place! It was really quite eerie walking up to the cliff’s edge because the whole place had been ravaged by a fire years ago and there still isn’t much growth, only hardy grasses and black rocks. But the view is spectacular! I can understand why it was given that particular name.
The highest point is about 40 ft above the crashing blue-green waves and let me tell you it is intimidating to stand at a cliff’s edge and decide to hurl yourself off into the water below! Such a friekin’ rush! It really did take my breath away as I freefell towards the unsettled water. Crazy! I jumped a few times, but every time was like the first in how terrifyingly invigorating it was. I remember gasping in amazement on the last jump with my friend Marissa. Oh, and then getting onto the rocks (while avoiding those spiky lil sea urchins) and free climbing your way back up was another adventure. Very doable but kinda nuts when I think back on it.
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