Man, it's good to be back in Asia. The people, the eccentric food, the craziness of the cities. I arrived in Bangkok early in the morning of the 15th, around 3AM, purely exhausted from over twenty hours of traveling from Kona to Honolulu to cold Tokyo (where i got me my lil rice bean cake :) to Taipei and finally to the Land of Smiles. The humidity was stifling as my team and I stepped out of the airport and rode to our destination via song-tou, and I barely could keep my eyes open as we sped down the Bangkok highway bedazzled with lights and golden arches inlaid with pictures of the Thai king. 'He is a great king.' (That's the only thing you can say about the king here.) But oh was it good to finally arrive, shower and sleep in a bed! Thank you, God, for traveling mercies, safety, and health!
For the first two days, my team and I stayed at a ywam base in a more suburban part of Bangkok. Then we hit the road again, this time on a nine hour overnight bus ride up north to Chiang Mai. Talk about traveling in luxury! Whoa baby! For less than $20, we rode like royalty, complete with strange little Asian snacks, hot tea, blankets, pillows, footrests, reclining seats, and a movie. (Ya, try watching 'Bermuda Triangle' in Thai..what a trippy time that was!) Oh, and included was a midnight stop at a roadside restaurant I swear was straight out of a 'Bizarre Foods' episode. Who knows where I was or what I ate. I do remember a warm, rice soup and squatty potties though! (oh the memories of China that flood to my mind)
We arrived in Chiang Mai around 6AM, road-weary but ready to see our new home for the next month...Abba House. Here we will be living alongside young women who have been brought out of abusive homes and brothels, as well as young men who were former drug addicts and delinquents. It's a unique place set inside four walls with a Buddhist crematorium temple as its neighbor. We live on the second floor of one of the buildings and fortunately have an aerial view of the surrounding area. Plus, I'm on a top bunk, so I spend my early mornings gazing out the windows, just watching the place wake up. Here's the link to it: http://www.abbahousefoundation.com/index.html
My team and I will be teaching these girls and guys English, as having English skills can GREATLY help them attain employment here, thus helping them escape the grip of poverty that directs them to more lucrative jobs. We will also perform skits for them, and most importantly, form relationships. Also on our agenda is ministry to the women's and men's prisons here, as well as a home for a crippled children. Plus, we hope to visit the bar girls downtown and scope out the scene there. I'm looking forward to what's ahead! And I'm hoping to blog more often as well as post a few pictures. We will see though, as I am using friends' computers as we travel. I regret not bringing my own computer, but I will live. I mean, amidst all these activities AND elephant-riding (that's right, most likely doing that), I won't be on the computer that much.
For now, I'll leave you all with specific prayers my team has, as prayer is our greatest travel essential and lifeline! I'm praying for sensitivity to Holy Spirit in everyday situations and relationships. For doors and opportunities to open for me and my team, especially as we interact with the people here. Effective methods in teaching English. Humility. Increased faith. Protection from spiritual attack. Continued traveling mercy and health. Love and unity in my team. For the Lord to develop in us a heart for the Thai people. Ease in learning the Thai language!!! Cultural sensitivity.Open hearts (for us too!).
Thank you all for your prayers and kind acts and words of encouragement. I anticipate God will be doing great things through our team. Not because we are special but because we are saying to Him that we are willing to be used by Him to bless the Thai people and be blessed by them as well.
I'll leave you with one more account that was a blessing for me to experience...tonight, as my team and I joined the girls and guys in worship in a simple room with crude Christmas decorations, I could see such joy in those young faces as they sang praises to their Heavenly Father...despite all they have been through in life, from rape by their own fathers to drug life on the streets. It was enough to make me stop singing and just watch in amazement. Thank you, El Shaddai. Khob khun kha!! (thank you)
Ok, that's all for now! Pra jaaw ouy porn kha! (God bless you!)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Preparation & Anticipation
The answer to the question of the quarter has finally arrived…
Thailand.
The sex tourism capital of the world. That’s where I am headed in just a few weeks. It’s rather daunting to think about, actually. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so quiet this week…now that I know where I am headed and a little of what I’ll be doing with my team, it just seems overwhelming.
I will be traveling with a team of eight other young women and Jacque, our team leader and a woman near to my heart. We’ll most likely begin our journey in the northern villages where many of the young girls who are in the sex industry of the big cities, are from. One of our hopes in doing so is to observe some of the conditions and underlying issues that cause these young women to migrate to the cities in order to sell their bodies for money.
Bangkok is in our itinerary for a time. There we will be walking the streets, talking with these precious women, and simply showing them the love of the Father. There are also various aftercare ministries within Thailand we will most likely be joining up with, and there we will be working with women who have been brought out of the sex industry.
But I want all of our time there, whatever side of the line we work on, to be a demonstration of Christ’s Love. I want these women to know they are loved, that they have value. Oh what a task that is so simple to speak of…but I can imagine that the reality of it will not be so simple. The darkness, I have heard, is heavy and the disillusionment thick….
…Ok, it’s time to double-check my armor and drench our future journey in prayer…heart-wrenching, soul-searching, real PRAYER. Please join me in it and let’s fill that bowl in Heaven.
Thailand.
The sex tourism capital of the world. That’s where I am headed in just a few weeks. It’s rather daunting to think about, actually. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so quiet this week…now that I know where I am headed and a little of what I’ll be doing with my team, it just seems overwhelming.
I will be traveling with a team of eight other young women and Jacque, our team leader and a woman near to my heart. We’ll most likely begin our journey in the northern villages where many of the young girls who are in the sex industry of the big cities, are from. One of our hopes in doing so is to observe some of the conditions and underlying issues that cause these young women to migrate to the cities in order to sell their bodies for money.
Bangkok is in our itinerary for a time. There we will be walking the streets, talking with these precious women, and simply showing them the love of the Father. There are also various aftercare ministries within Thailand we will most likely be joining up with, and there we will be working with women who have been brought out of the sex industry.
But I want all of our time there, whatever side of the line we work on, to be a demonstration of Christ’s Love. I want these women to know they are loved, that they have value. Oh what a task that is so simple to speak of…but I can imagine that the reality of it will not be so simple. The darkness, I have heard, is heavy and the disillusionment thick….
…Ok, it’s time to double-check my armor and drench our future journey in prayer…heart-wrenching, soul-searching, real PRAYER. Please join me in it and let’s fill that bowl in Heaven.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Postcards from Faraway
Hello friends...so I've been meaning to say..i love getting mail, so if you ever feel like sending me postcards, etc from faraway, go for it! I also enjoy sending mail, that is, when i have my head on straight and i'm not running around sweating and hurling myself off cliffs ;)
here's my address...best to send via airmail, but i'm pretty sure that's the only way mail is sent to HI anyways..
Allysha Henderson
Justice DTS
University of the Nations
75-5851 Kuakini Hwy Box 430
Kailua-Kona HI 96740 USA
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Finally On My Way
(This first piece was written en route to Kona two weeks ago) …Well, I’m finally off on this new leg of the journey called life. Seems like it’s been forever coming, and as I nod in and out of sleep on this flight to Phoenix, I have to remind myself that it’s finally begun.
I am finally Kona-bound with freedom at my fingertips. Feels like the world at my fingertips…and in a way, it is. I’m leaving my family and the place where things are familiar to embark on a life lived out-of-suitcase for six months. I am ready..I think. I think I am ready to make connections with people very different from me. Ready to learn how to relate to those who have ‘less than me’ (in the eyes of the world) from a place of humility and equality.
Because I don’t want this to be an experience that boosts my self-whatever because I’ve done a ‘charity’ job…just something to ease a sort of ‘guilt-for-society’ conscience, if I ever had one.
No. I want this to be a life-altering, world upside-down journey in which I learn what love looks like in action, what compassion consists of, what justice tastes like. I think..oh man..I think I’m asking for the nitty gritty of the world, the flesh and bones of poverty and injustice without the arm’s length ‘click and donate’ aspect of hand-me-down charity. I am hesitant though, because I probably only have the slightest knowledge of what I’m asking for.
I can see myself, weeks from now, looking into the eyes of a woman or child who has known first-hand what it is to be used and reused, discarded and vulnerable…and I’ll be asking myself, ‘what the hell were you thinking? You wanted to see this?’ And I will have to say to the fearfulness inside me, ‘Yes. Now see and love her like Jesus would.’ Oh I pray I will have the strength, compassion, and courage to do so. It’s what You ask, God…
Well, alright then. Through Your grace, I will…
But without Your love as my motivation, I know it is all for nothing. So please ground me in that very Love.
(4 days later)….cuz as I have said numerous times here to my fellow journeyers, ‘I am friekin’ scared.’ Seriously. We will be facing some tough situations out on outreach; situations that will likely shake us to our core.
(A few more days down the road) …Oh what a week. Feels as if it’s been a month. I mean, I think I’ve cried a month’s worth of tears. Numerous times, I have considered making my return flight home for next week. It’s been difficult to adjust, and I am pretty sure Satan does NOT want me here, considering how much he has hurled terror and despair into my mind. Yet, I have been reminded to take joy in my sufferings.
Quite honestly, I am not too convinced of that just yet. But I am convinced I can take things day-by-day, at least. I’ll take things as they come, as my sister has suggested.
But don’t get me wrong. There has been good stuff amidst the tears… Sincere people. Mahi mahi tacos. Awesome views from almost any place you stand. Green geckoes. Intimate worship. Fresh papayas. IronMan Triathlon. Budding friendships. Outdoor meals. Community living. Bikini weather. Pacific Ocean within walking distance. Sea breeze church services. Awesome lectures. Turquoise waters. Pier jumping. Cliff jumping. Hitch hiking.
But quite honestly, I’ve mostly feel hesitant to jump into everything. Something is holding me back. Maybe I’m not quite convinced of these things I am being told here. Or maybe it is just my unbelief. Sometimes I don’t understand. I believe the power of the Lord in physical healings and demonic deliverance, but I’ve been struggling to believe His power in my own life. Why? I am not sure. I just know that something probably needs to break. Or maybe not change at all. Just settle. I need to let myself breathe. Just let pieces fall where they may and keeping looking forward.
(Again, a few days later)…yes, that is it. I just need to allow myself room to breathe and be in His presence day by day. I don’t need to be anxious about next week or next month or outreach. I just want to live with what I have now, not in an irresponsible way of tossing every care to the wind and saying ‘que sera, sera’ but in a way that takes the time to appreciate where I am this very day. To realize where God has me today. To understand what He is teaching me and guiding me towards. To appreciate the people that love me. To embrace each experience as it comes. To make the most of where I am geographically!
I mean, Hawai’i is quite amazing, really. Just yesterday, I hitchhiked with some friends to La’aloa Beach Park, otherwise known as Magic Sands beach. White sand and hardcore waves. Those suckers can really pummel you if you aren’t paying attention! I saw quite a few people, old ladies and tough body-surfers alike, get wrecked. And then I had my turn getting caught in a wave, complete with a wardrobe malfunction and salt-water inhalation. Great stuff. Got some serious sun there though, probably too much considering my back and face turned the color of my pink shorts afterwards…
We continued to hitchhike along Ali’i Drive and found some guys willing to take us to the End of the World. So we piled into the back of their oversized pickup and headed to the infamous cliffs. What a place! It was really quite eerie walking up to the cliff’s edge because the whole place had been ravaged by a fire years ago and there still isn’t much growth, only hardy grasses and black rocks. But the view is spectacular! I can understand why it was given that particular name.
The highest point is about 40 ft above the crashing blue-green waves and let me tell you it is intimidating to stand at a cliff’s edge and decide to hurl yourself off into the water below! Such a friekin’ rush! It really did take my breath away as I freefell towards the unsettled water. Crazy! I jumped a few times, but every time was like the first in how terrifyingly invigorating it was. I remember gasping in amazement on the last jump with my friend Marissa. Oh, and then getting onto the rocks (while avoiding those spiky lil sea urchins) and free climbing your way back up was another adventure. Very doable but kinda nuts when I think back on it.
I wonder what other adventures Kona has in store. I’ll do my best to live it up while I’m here…and that includes gazing upon my Maker’s beauty and being transformed.
Because I don’t want this to be an experience that boosts my self-whatever because I’ve done a ‘charity’ job…just something to ease a sort of ‘guilt-for-society’ conscience, if I ever had one.
No. I want this to be a life-altering, world upside-down journey in which I learn what love looks like in action, what compassion consists of, what justice tastes like. I think..oh man..I think I’m asking for the nitty gritty of the world, the flesh and bones of poverty and injustice without the arm’s length ‘click and donate’ aspect of hand-me-down charity. I am hesitant though, because I probably only have the slightest knowledge of what I’m asking for.
I can see myself, weeks from now, looking into the eyes of a woman or child who has known first-hand what it is to be used and reused, discarded and vulnerable…and I’ll be asking myself, ‘what the hell were you thinking? You wanted to see this?’ And I will have to say to the fearfulness inside me, ‘Yes. Now see and love her like Jesus would.’ Oh I pray I will have the strength, compassion, and courage to do so. It’s what You ask, God…
Well, alright then. Through Your grace, I will…
But without Your love as my motivation, I know it is all for nothing. So please ground me in that very Love.
(4 days later)….cuz as I have said numerous times here to my fellow journeyers, ‘I am friekin’ scared.’ Seriously. We will be facing some tough situations out on outreach; situations that will likely shake us to our core.
(A few more days down the road) …Oh what a week. Feels as if it’s been a month. I mean, I think I’ve cried a month’s worth of tears. Numerous times, I have considered making my return flight home for next week. It’s been difficult to adjust, and I am pretty sure Satan does NOT want me here, considering how much he has hurled terror and despair into my mind. Yet, I have been reminded to take joy in my sufferings.
Quite honestly, I am not too convinced of that just yet. But I am convinced I can take things day-by-day, at least. I’ll take things as they come, as my sister has suggested.
But quite honestly, I’ve mostly feel hesitant to jump into everything. Something is holding me back. Maybe I’m not quite convinced of these things I am being told here. Or maybe it is just my unbelief. Sometimes I don’t understand. I believe the power of the Lord in physical healings and demonic deliverance, but I’ve been struggling to believe His power in my own life. Why? I am not sure. I just know that something probably needs to break. Or maybe not change at all. Just settle. I need to let myself breathe. Just let pieces fall where they may and keeping looking forward.
(Again, a few days later)…yes, that is it. I just need to allow myself room to breathe and be in His presence day by day. I don’t need to be anxious about next week or next month or outreach. I just want to live with what I have now, not in an irresponsible way of tossing every care to the wind and saying ‘que sera, sera’ but in a way that takes the time to appreciate where I am this very day. To realize where God has me today. To understand what He is teaching me and guiding me towards. To appreciate the people that love me. To embrace each experience as it comes. To make the most of where I am geographically!
I mean, Hawai’i is quite amazing, really. Just yesterday, I hitchhiked with some friends to La’aloa Beach Park, otherwise known as Magic Sands beach. White sand and hardcore waves. Those suckers can really pummel you if you aren’t paying attention! I saw quite a few people, old ladies and tough body-surfers alike, get wrecked. And then I had my turn getting caught in a wave, complete with a wardrobe malfunction and salt-water inhalation. Great stuff. Got some serious sun there though, probably too much considering my back and face turned the color of my pink shorts afterwards…
We continued to hitchhike along Ali’i Drive and found some guys willing to take us to the End of the World. So we piled into the back of their oversized pickup and headed to the infamous cliffs. What a place! It was really quite eerie walking up to the cliff’s edge because the whole place had been ravaged by a fire years ago and there still isn’t much growth, only hardy grasses and black rocks. But the view is spectacular! I can understand why it was given that particular name.
The highest point is about 40 ft above the crashing blue-green waves and let me tell you it is intimidating to stand at a cliff’s edge and decide to hurl yourself off into the water below! Such a friekin’ rush! It really did take my breath away as I freefell towards the unsettled water. Crazy! I jumped a few times, but every time was like the first in how terrifyingly invigorating it was. I remember gasping in amazement on the last jump with my friend Marissa. Oh, and then getting onto the rocks (while avoiding those spiky lil sea urchins) and free climbing your way back up was another adventure. Very doable but kinda nuts when I think back on it.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Warriors, Get Your Gear On
‘We live our lives not simply according to what we know, but what we really believe.’
BAM. That statement hits me hard. I have lived my life for the past few years according to some pretty bitter, bad-expectations-beliefs. Due to my own sins and unbelief. Due to others’ sins against me.
…but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way for good. I’m realizing I can rewrite the framing story of my life with God’s help and through His grace. The effects of bad expectations..and fear.. can be no more.
Why? Because God does not expect me to walk around defeated and hopelessly broken. He wants me to take hold of the authority I have in Christ because He has already defeated Death and all of his friends. Satan reigns in this earthly, physical world, but he is under Christ’s feet in the spiritual realm. And as a believer in Christ, I am called to stand in the Light because He is in the Light.
He has given me eternal truths to stand on and live by...truths that can dispel the darkness and deception that Satan has been HURLING at me for so long. Truths that can bring me the wholeness I need. But only if I believe them for myself and not just settle for knowing about them. I need to speak them aloud. I need to live according to them. And that takes knowledge AND action. I will not be a victim of this spiritual ignorance anymore, by God’s grace. No more will I be captive to this deception of Satan’s. Because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).
“My child, if you’re really going to do this thing, you’re going to have to give Me unhindered access to your entire heart, mind, soul, and body. Wholeness will come when you’ve given yourself to Me wholly and let Me fill every empty place in your life. Now you’ve learned what Satan can do. Are you ready to learn how to stand and fight?” (from Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word)
Yes. I am ready to be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
Off to put on my full armor now…
Have you found your armor yet? Well, warriors..get your gear on.
BAM. That statement hits me hard. I have lived my life for the past few years according to some pretty bitter, bad-expectations-beliefs. Due to my own sins and unbelief. Due to others’ sins against me.
…but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way for good. I’m realizing I can rewrite the framing story of my life with God’s help and through His grace. The effects of bad expectations..and fear.. can be no more.
Why? Because God does not expect me to walk around defeated and hopelessly broken. He wants me to take hold of the authority I have in Christ because He has already defeated Death and all of his friends. Satan reigns in this earthly, physical world, but he is under Christ’s feet in the spiritual realm. And as a believer in Christ, I am called to stand in the Light because He is in the Light.
He has given me eternal truths to stand on and live by...truths that can dispel the darkness and deception that Satan has been HURLING at me for so long. Truths that can bring me the wholeness I need. But only if I believe them for myself and not just settle for knowing about them. I need to speak them aloud. I need to live according to them. And that takes knowledge AND action. I will not be a victim of this spiritual ignorance anymore, by God’s grace. No more will I be captive to this deception of Satan’s. Because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).
“My child, if you’re really going to do this thing, you’re going to have to give Me unhindered access to your entire heart, mind, soul, and body. Wholeness will come when you’ve given yourself to Me wholly and let Me fill every empty place in your life. Now you’ve learned what Satan can do. Are you ready to learn how to stand and fight?” (from Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word)
Yes. I am ready to be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
Off to put on my full armor now…
Have you found your armor yet? Well, warriors..get your gear on.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Difficult to Hope..but Beautiful
God, do I ever need a new beginning…but it’s so hard to hope for sometimes. Discouragement comes so easily, and the past threatens to perpetuate into my future. It’s been such a summer of breaking and realizing. Really, it’s been hard to tell up from down this whole year. Seems like it’s been a series of broken relationships and shattered trust. Oh the anger I have experienced! And the loneliness. But amidst it all, I have had glimpses of Hope, short-lasting but beautiful.
But quite honestly, I think I have lost much of my trust and have been walking around in a bullet-proof vest, keeping others from getting close to me, as the Coldplay song goes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsz-EeNZBkI
How DO you hope for better things when the good things of life are overshadowed by the bullshit and pain of your experiences? Please help me to hold on to what I’ve been given lately, God. Your blessings. Help me to see those who love me. To embrace and love them in return. Help me to open my heart to sincere friends I have yet to meet.
Hope. Healing. Yes, you two…I’ll see you soon.
But quite honestly, I think I have lost much of my trust and have been walking around in a bullet-proof vest, keeping others from getting close to me, as the Coldplay song goes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsz-EeNZBkI
How DO you hope for better things when the good things of life are overshadowed by the bullshit and pain of your experiences? Please help me to hold on to what I’ve been given lately, God. Your blessings. Help me to see those who love me. To embrace and love them in return. Help me to open my heart to sincere friends I have yet to meet.
Hope. Healing. Yes, you two…I’ll see you soon.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Prayer
A few lines from Loreena McKennitt’s lyrics inspired by Dante’s The Divine Comedy…so beautiful and touching to me. I think I will use this as a prayer for myself these days.
Though we share this humble path alone, how fragile is the heart.
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly, to touch the face of the stars.
Breathe life into this feeble heart, lift this mortal veil of fear.
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears.
And we'll rise above these earthly cares.
Though we share this humble path alone, how fragile is the heart.
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly, to touch the face of the stars.
Breathe life into this feeble heart, lift this mortal veil of fear.
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Beauty of Uncertainty
So I’ve realized something…I used to be so afraid of change…I hated it, really. But now it seems I can’t get enough of it. Strange how that happens…you just kinda change without realizing it. What sparked this realization that I have changed? Well, I have recently been informed by my YWAM school leaders that we will now be spending Christmas at our outreach locations, which are, at this point, to be determined. Thailand? Haiti? Togo? Cambodia? Now in the past, I would have NEEDED to spend Christmas warm and cozy with my family at home by the fireplace. But these days? I like thinking that I will be away for Christmas…it definitely leaves me to imagine where I’ll be, how I will celebrate, and with whom. And not just Christmas but my 21st birthday too! Crazy.
All this uncertainty certainly leaves room for anxiety to brew, but I somehow am at peace. Where anxiety could be, I want trust to continue to fill. Trust in God my Savior. With all that I have experienced this past year, has my trust in Him really been developing this much? It probably has. And without me really realizing it.
And I wonder…will the Lord be using my sense of adventure, my wandering inner wildchild, for His greater purposes? I pray it is so. I believe He gives us desires for a reason. I think I will embrace this beauty I have realized. This beauty of uncertainty.
So I’ve realized something…I used to be so afraid of change…I hated it, really. But now it seems I can’t get enough of it. Strange how that happens…you just kinda change without realizing it. What sparked this realization that I have changed? Well, I have recently been informed by my YWAM school leaders that we will now be spending Christmas at our outreach locations, which are, at this point, to be determined. Thailand? Haiti? Togo? Cambodia? Now in the past, I would have NEEDED to spend Christmas warm and cozy with my family at home by the fireplace. But these days? I like thinking that I will be away for Christmas…it definitely leaves me to imagine where I’ll be, how I will celebrate, and with whom. And not just Christmas but my 21st birthday too! Crazy.
All this uncertainty certainly leaves room for anxiety to brew, but I somehow am at peace. Where anxiety could be, I want trust to continue to fill. Trust in God my Savior. With all that I have experienced this past year, has my trust in Him really been developing this much? It probably has. And without me really realizing it.
And I wonder…will the Lord be using my sense of adventure, my wandering inner wildchild, for His greater purposes? I pray it is so. I believe He gives us desires for a reason. I think I will embrace this beauty I have realized. This beauty of uncertainty.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Honest Searching
So this is something I wrote back in April, but still is appropriate for my state of being these days...
I'm not interested in getting high and ducking out on life.
I'm in search of something.
'What?' you may ask.
And I'll look at you with discerning eyes and say
'Ask me in a year or two. Then I'll have an answer."
Reality. Authenticity. Meaning. Love.
Part of what I hope to find soon.
And I am, even now. If I look in the right places.
I'm not interested in getting high and ducking out on life.
I'm in search of something.
'What?' you may ask.
And I'll look at you with discerning eyes and say
'Ask me in a year or two. Then I'll have an answer."
Reality. Authenticity. Meaning. Love.
Part of what I hope to find soon.
And I am, even now. If I look in the right places.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Hopeful Anticipation...or Fear?
As I get ready for my departure to Kona, I waver between the anticipation of what is to come and the fear of what will come along with it. Why is it that I struggle so much with the past and its bitter memories? I think I have come to expect disappointment, as if something will always get messed up.
Where did that expectation come from??
I’ve been trying to overcome this bitter set of expectations that affects just about everything in my life, from relationships to a night at the movies, but it is difficult stuff. It sneaks up on me, even when I think I’m doing alright.
Like today. My dad and I were finally going to remove a 5x5 large mirror from below the garage. It is (or shall I say WAS) a strange item that was left on our small farm nine years ago from the previous owner, or maybe even the owner before that. But anyways, after all these years, I finally decide I can put it to use in my at-home, improvised belly dance studio (I had to overcome fears about taking belly dance classes as well, mainly because it’s UnuSuaL and what my friends would think and how I would be disappointed somehow and …oh nevermind...)
Well, it was actually a few weeks ago that I decided I could use it, but I first had to wait for my dad to recover from pneumonia and then it was me trying to find time amidst my busy schedule and blah blah blah. Maybe it WAS really my fear of disappointment interfering the whole time…
But today was FINALLY d-day! Or so I thought. I excitedly entered the shed below the garage only to find my treasure shattered into dozens of pieces across the cement floor. Nine years of sitting in peaceful anonymity and the day I want to bring the damn thing back to life…it’s broken? You can imagine my disappointment.
Or can you? I don’t know, sometimes I feel as if I am the only one with these bitter expectations. But as I think about it, that seems a wee bit small-minded. We all probably struggle with these things in some way or another. How do we overcome these sorts of seemingly pointless, unexpected, but somehow EXPECTED, disappointments? A rhetorical question? You tell me.
So how did I deal with this today?... I cried on the spot. Probably to my dad’s surprise. I can only imagine he was thinking, ‘it’s just a mirror’…But it’s more than just a mirror to me.
It’s the reminder of how I HATE to face disappointment. It’s the loss of control I feel. It’s the anger at the seeming pointlessness of it all. It’s the frustration of trying to insulate myself from these sorts of disappointments. It’s the reminder of the pain of the past. It’s the realization that I struggle with trusting the Lord in small situations like this. It’s the reality of my pride and fears.
Sitting here, after having cried angrily for about an hour and having tried to salvage what glass I could, I realize that I have a long way to go.
I need healing.
I get the feeling this should be a specific prayer, especially as I prepare for Hawaii, something I am EXCITED for. Because I know with that excitement also comes the bitter expectation of disappointment looming on that island horizon. Aha! I’m catching on…
Please excuse me as I go get on my knees…
Where did that expectation come from??
I’ve been trying to overcome this bitter set of expectations that affects just about everything in my life, from relationships to a night at the movies, but it is difficult stuff. It sneaks up on me, even when I think I’m doing alright.
Like today. My dad and I were finally going to remove a 5x5 large mirror from below the garage. It is (or shall I say WAS) a strange item that was left on our small farm nine years ago from the previous owner, or maybe even the owner before that. But anyways, after all these years, I finally decide I can put it to use in my at-home, improvised belly dance studio (I had to overcome fears about taking belly dance classes as well, mainly because it’s UnuSuaL and what my friends would think and how I would be disappointed somehow and …oh nevermind...)
Well, it was actually a few weeks ago that I decided I could use it, but I first had to wait for my dad to recover from pneumonia and then it was me trying to find time amidst my busy schedule and blah blah blah. Maybe it WAS really my fear of disappointment interfering the whole time…
But today was FINALLY d-day! Or so I thought. I excitedly entered the shed below the garage only to find my treasure shattered into dozens of pieces across the cement floor. Nine years of sitting in peaceful anonymity and the day I want to bring the damn thing back to life…it’s broken? You can imagine my disappointment.
Or can you? I don’t know, sometimes I feel as if I am the only one with these bitter expectations. But as I think about it, that seems a wee bit small-minded. We all probably struggle with these things in some way or another. How do we overcome these sorts of seemingly pointless, unexpected, but somehow EXPECTED, disappointments? A rhetorical question? You tell me.
So how did I deal with this today?... I cried on the spot. Probably to my dad’s surprise. I can only imagine he was thinking, ‘it’s just a mirror’…But it’s more than just a mirror to me.
It’s the reminder of how I HATE to face disappointment. It’s the loss of control I feel. It’s the anger at the seeming pointlessness of it all. It’s the frustration of trying to insulate myself from these sorts of disappointments. It’s the reminder of the pain of the past. It’s the realization that I struggle with trusting the Lord in small situations like this. It’s the reality of my pride and fears.
Sitting here, after having cried angrily for about an hour and having tried to salvage what glass I could, I realize that I have a long way to go.
I need healing.
I get the feeling this should be a specific prayer, especially as I prepare for Hawaii, something I am EXCITED for. Because I know with that excitement also comes the bitter expectation of disappointment looming on that island horizon. Aha! I’m catching on…
Please excuse me as I go get on my knees…
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