A Prayer

A few lines from Loreena McKennitt’s lyrics inspired by Dante’s The Divine Comedy…so beautiful and touching to me. I think I will use this as a prayer for myself these days.

Though we share this humble path alone, how fragile is the heart.
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly, to touch the face of the stars.
Breathe life into this feeble heart, lift this mortal veil of fear.
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears.
And we'll rise above these earthly cares.

The Beauty of Uncertainty

So I’ve realized something…I used to be so afraid of change…I hated it, really. But now it seems I can’t get enough of it. Strange how that happens…you just kinda change without realizing it. What sparked this realization that I have changed? Well, I have recently been informed by my YWAM school leaders that we will now be spending Christmas at our outreach locations, which are, at this point, to be determined. Thailand? Haiti? Togo? Cambodia? Now in the past, I would have NEEDED to spend Christmas warm and cozy with my family at home by the fireplace. But these days? I like thinking that I will be away for Christmas…it definitely leaves me to imagine where I’ll be, how I will celebrate, and with whom. And not just Christmas but my 21st birthday too! Crazy.


All this uncertainty certainly leaves room for anxiety to brew, but I somehow am at peace. Where anxiety could be, I want trust to continue to fill. Trust in God my Savior. With all that I have experienced this past year, has my trust in Him really been developing this much? It probably has. And without me really realizing it.


And I wonder…will the Lord be using my sense of adventure, my wandering inner wildchild, for His greater purposes? I pray it is so. I believe He gives us desires for a reason. I think I will embrace this beauty I have realized. This beauty of uncertainty.

Honest Searching

So this is something I wrote back in April, but still is appropriate for my state of being these days...


I'm not interested in getting high and ducking out on life.
I'm in search of something.
'What?' you may ask.
And I'll look at you with discerning eyes and say
'Ask me in a year or two. Then I'll have an answer."
Reality. Authenticity. Meaning. Love.
Part of what I hope to find soon.
And I am, even now. If I look in the right places.

Hopeful Anticipation...or Fear?

As I get ready for my departure to Kona, I waver between the anticipation of what is to come and the fear of what will come along with it. Why is it that I struggle so much with the past and its bitter memories? I think I have come to expect disappointment, as if something will always get messed up.


Where did that expectation come from??

I’ve been trying to overcome this bitter set of expectations that affects just about everything in my life, from relationships to a night at the movies, but it is difficult stuff. It sneaks up on me, even when I think I’m doing alright.

Like today. My dad and I were finally going to remove a 5x5 large mirror from below the garage. It is (or shall I say WAS) a strange item that was left on our small farm nine years ago from the previous owner, or maybe even the owner before that. But anyways, after all these years, I finally decide I can put it to use in my at-home, improvised belly dance studio (I had to overcome fears about taking belly dance classes as well, mainly because it’s UnuSuaL and what my friends would think and how I would be disappointed somehow and …oh nevermind...)

Well, it was actually a few weeks ago that I decided I could use it, but I first had to wait for my dad to recover from pneumonia and then it was me trying to find time amidst my busy schedule and blah blah blah. Maybe it WAS really my fear of disappointment interfering the whole time…

But today was FINALLY d-day! Or so I thought. I excitedly entered the shed below the garage only to find my treasure shattered into dozens of pieces across the cement floor. Nine years of sitting in peaceful anonymity and the day I want to bring the damn thing back to life…it’s broken? You can imagine my disappointment.

Or can you? I don’t know, sometimes I feel as if I am the only one with these bitter expectations. But as I think about it, that seems a wee bit small-minded. We all probably struggle with these things in some way or another. How do we overcome these sorts of seemingly pointless, unexpected, but somehow EXPECTED, disappointments? A rhetorical question? You tell me.

So how did I deal with this today?... I cried on the spot. Probably to my dad’s surprise. I can only imagine he was thinking, ‘it’s just a mirror’…But it’s more than just a mirror to me.

It’s the reminder of how I HATE to face disappointment. It’s the loss of control I feel. It’s the anger at the seeming pointlessness of it all. It’s the frustration of trying to insulate myself from these sorts of disappointments. It’s the reminder of the pain of the past. It’s the realization that I struggle with trusting the Lord in small situations like this. It’s the reality of my pride and fears.

Sitting here, after having cried angrily for about an hour and having tried to salvage what glass I could, I realize that I have a long way to go.

I need healing.

I get the feeling this should be a specific prayer, especially as I prepare for Hawaii, something I am EXCITED for. Because I know with that excitement also comes the bitter expectation of disappointment looming on that island horizon. Aha! I’m catching on…

Please excuse me as I go get on my knees…