As I get ready for my departure to Kona, I waver between the anticipation of what is to come and the fear of what will come along with it. Why is it that I struggle so much with the past and its bitter memories? I think I have come to expect disappointment, as if something will always get messed up.
Where did that expectation come from??
I’ve been trying to overcome this bitter set of expectations that affects just about everything in my life, from relationships to a night at the movies, but it is difficult stuff. It sneaks up on me, even when I think I’m doing alright.
Like today. My dad and I were finally going to remove a 5x5 large mirror from below the garage. It is (or shall I say WAS) a strange item that was left on our small farm nine years ago from the previous owner, or maybe even the owner before that. But anyways, after all these years, I finally decide I can put it to use in my at-home, improvised belly dance studio (I had to overcome fears about taking belly dance classes as well, mainly because it’s UnuSuaL and what my friends would think and how I would be disappointed somehow and …oh nevermind...)
Well, it was actually a few weeks ago that I decided I could use it, but I first had to wait for my dad to recover from pneumonia and then it was me trying to find time amidst my busy schedule and blah blah blah. Maybe it WAS really my fear of disappointment interfering the whole time…
But today was FINALLY d-day! Or so I thought. I excitedly entered the shed below the garage only to find my treasure shattered into dozens of pieces across the cement floor. Nine years of sitting in peaceful anonymity and the day I want to bring the damn thing back to life…it’s broken? You can imagine my disappointment.
Or can you? I don’t know, sometimes I feel as if I am the only one with these bitter expectations. But as I think about it, that seems a wee bit small-minded. We all probably struggle with these things in some way or another. How do we overcome these sorts of seemingly pointless, unexpected, but somehow EXPECTED, disappointments? A rhetorical question? You tell me.
So how did I deal with this today?... I cried on the spot. Probably to my dad’s surprise. I can only imagine he was thinking, ‘it’s just a mirror’…But it’s more than just a mirror to me.
It’s the reminder of how I HATE to face disappointment. It’s the loss of control I feel. It’s the anger at the seeming pointlessness of it all. It’s the frustration of trying to insulate myself from these sorts of disappointments. It’s the reminder of the pain of the past. It’s the realization that I struggle with trusting the Lord in small situations like this. It’s the reality of my pride and fears.
Sitting here, after having cried angrily for about an hour and having tried to salvage what glass I could, I realize that I have a long way to go.
I need healing.
I get the feeling this should be a specific prayer, especially as I prepare for Hawaii, something I am EXCITED for. Because I know with that excitement also comes the bitter expectation of disappointment looming on that island horizon. Aha! I’m catching on…
Please excuse me as I go get on my knees…
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